She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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