Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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