this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
