why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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