he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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