i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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