So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
