I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
