Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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