Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
