What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
