Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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