It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
