trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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