Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Randomize
