Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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