his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
