hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
