this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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