Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
