Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
