Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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