woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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