whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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