I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
