You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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