Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I wear drunk well.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
