He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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