You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
