Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
