My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize