Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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