I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize