I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
