so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
