Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
