Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
