White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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