Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
