Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My cat gives me a boner
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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