is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
