This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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