you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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