Where is the hickey?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
my shit smells like andre
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
