did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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