This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
