omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
