Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
