Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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