Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
