if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
PANTIES FOUND
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
