I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
