Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
