Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
