I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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