what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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