So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
